As I scrolled through the Mother’s Day Facebook posts, I began to see many people who acknowledged their unconventional relationships with their mothers: strained, estranged, abusive, or simply non-existent either by death or choice. This made me think of how many of us don’t get the support and nurturing we need, even when Mom is doing the best she can. It made me remember that as long as we continue look outside of ourselves for recognition, we will never be satisfied.

Being an entrepreneur takes tons of work, energy, time, and money with no guaranteed results. Sometimes it seems fruitless, definitely thankless. I mean who is gonna thank us? Who is gonna give us a promotion or a plaque for a job well done at our company? Promotions and awards exist to encourage loyalty and future productivity from worthy employees. Well aren’t we worthy employees? Don’t we deserve a promotion? A frickin’ plaque on the wall?

How we see ourselves is a choice.

In truth, we are the CEO, manager, and the most important employee of our “company”. If we don’t recognize all the work we do, we’re gonna get discouraged and slack off. Here are two examples of how I gave myself recognition this year.

1.) A while ago, I dipped my toe into social media as an actor even though I have no celebrity status. I did something small by simply taking audition selfies and describing them to the world. My goal was to share a variety of photos that reflected each specific role I auditioned for. While most of my peers fear the backlash of “on-line bragging”, I was surprised to see how much people liked it. My business coach reflected back to me how thoughtful and effective this kind of share was. She pointed out how my Instagram wall was a pastiche of characters that spoke to my commitment as an actor – not a list of random audition brags. Yeah, I work my ass off every single time, and I deserve to be recognized for it. This was my “plaque on the wall”.

2.) I had been working with a small, barely effective talent agency for two years, because at the time I signed with them I felt it was the best I could do theatrically. As I began to book jobs, I felt a subservient gratefulness to them since I was in fact getting out more than I had been in the last several years. Again, my business coach pointed to my successes and reminded me that I needed to find an agent who could up my game. I was scared and insecure – I needed a “mama” to push me out of the nest, so to speak. (My mom loves me, but this is not her department.) After composing an exquisite cover letter and sending out several submissions, I signed with an agency who has “upped my game” dramatically in just a matter of weeks. It was, and is, up to me to give myself that “promotion” in my company.

I’m an actor, yes, but I named my marketing company The Recognized Actor, because I believe that every person’s deepest desire is to be seen. Some confuse this with a desire for fame, but the real need is recognition for what we contribute to our tribes. If we look outside of ourselves for it, we are seduced into traps of following rules, people-pleasing, or working “hard”. Outside recognition, because of its transitory nature, is never satisfying. The only satisfying recognition comes from within.

During this year’s Actor’s Fast Track event, I was constantly asked “What did you do [to get such great results]?” Everyone wanted to know how I booked four major network co-stars, a large print job, and two national commercials in 2016? I had a hard time explaining how it wasn’t really what I did, but more about what I didn’t do.

I didn’t play small.
I didn’t dismiss small successes.
I didn’t pass up opportunities.
I didn’t take no for an answer.
I didn’t try so hard.

Did I work my ass off? Yes. The big difference now is how I’m working. I hate it when people say “keep pushin'”, or “hard work pays off”. It’s really only as hard as we make it. When we do what we love, when we find joy in the details…it pays off. There are a couple of ways I find joy in the details. 1. I treat this whole thing as a game, and 2. I’m detached from the results. When actors put themselves in constant “waiting and watching for results” mode, they lose hope and enthusiasm and make it harder to follow through. My former business coach said “keep your pipeline full” regarding sales (which is what the acting business is about, really). So when I target goal after goal I have no time to wait and watch. Not surprisingly, it is the unfavorable results that clarify my direction and my next best actions.

Last June when I visited Chicago, I tried to get representation  – I wanted to increase my playing odds and get a free trip home if I booked. It didn’t work. I kept busy in L.A., scoring more TV credits, and tried again after Thanksgiving. I spent weeks tracking down specific contacts, composing letters and following through with phone calls. I didn’t focus on the previous rejections. I simply looked at that result, changed my game, landed two meetings (I only had one in June ), and finally got representation!

If we know how every game will turn out, what’s the fun in that?

In my Action Groups, I notice how easily decisions are made when we are supported in a safe environment. When left to our own devices, however, we think… and think… and overthink a situation so much that we’re convinced there is no good decision after all, and we will have to live forever with our “bad” decision. Months later, we find ourselves in the same position as before, because we dared not take any action that did not come with a guaranteed result.

There are a few things that come to my mind.
1. Success is achieved by failing.
2. Nothing changes without action.
3. We will be fine no matter what.

2016 CUBS fans at the World Series

Success is achieved by failing. Two weeks ago, I called talent agencies asking for a meeting. I wanted to quit before – literally right before –  I phoned the last one who actually said “yes”. Think about it. None of us learned to walk without first falling down. The greatest athletes “miss” more than they “hit”. Science itself is a discipline of experiments.

Nothing changes without action. Last year, when I ended my eleven-year relationship, I had no idea how I’d get by – at my age – on my own. I discovered parts of myself that I had hidden for years, and I found out that my life was just beginning. When we look at where we are in life – kids / no kids, partner / no partner, same job / new job – we can see how we are where we are because of a series of choices and actions.

We will be fine no matter what. A few years ago, I hit rock bottom financially, emotionally, and career-wise. This year, I booked more on-camera work than ever before, reestablished old friendships, and with a newfound sense of freedom I am living in the black. We are resilient creatures. Most of us have been through pretty tough times – some even horrific times – yet here we are, still dreaming, and still able to laugh.

So what do you want out of life? Are you willing to fall down first? Are you willing to take action no matter what? Are you willing to accept the strength of your own resilience?

August 23, 2016. It was my sister’s birthday, but she was in Chicago, and I was pulling into a Malibu parking lot just before dawn.

It was kinda freaky being on the dark beach at 5:30am, and some of us weren’t quite sure where to park. Slowly, more and more people pulled their cars into the state beach parking lot, and then got breakfast from the catering truck. Every person I encountered was genuinely nice. Every. Single. One. I was shown my trailer, but had to immediately go into hair & make-up. (My breakfast had to wait, but no worries – my trailer had a microwave!) The make-up artist shared the story of how she met her husband, and we both agreed that Indian men are hot.

The actor sitting next to me extended his hand, and said, “Hi, I’m Justin.” He was very handsome, but I didn’t know what role he’d play in this episode. As I moved across the trailer to the “hair” side, I saw them finishing up with Gina Rodriguez, the show’s star. I’m always a little startled when I’m being made up with a star. Not because I’m starstruck, but because I’m jolted into the reality that we are both here to work. We’re both here to play make believe and create something fun for millions of people. It’s weird. And it’s awesome.

As we arrived on location, the sun was up, a crew of at least a hundred people, and dozens of extras filled the scene. I got mic’d first on my thigh, then the normal way. Not sure why they thought they needed to go up my skirt at first, but sue me –  I loved being fussed over by cute men! While we waited for tech set up, Gina, Justin and I sat in our director’s chairs – our director’s chairs! By this time, I had figured out that Justin Baldoni was one of the stars too – doh! Hanging out with them felt so normal. It was easy to ask for a group selfie.

My part was wrapped by 10:30am. I walked back to my car, knowing that I had been part of one of television’s top shows, had been treated like a queen, had worked with the show’s “favorite” director, and casually shot the breeze with TV stars. I didn’t want to leave, so I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans. I walked straight out onto the beach and waded in the ocean. When I had my fill of playing with the rolling tide and wet sand, I sat down in the sun for just a little longer. The warmth penetrating my skin and the breeze flirting with me felt like …. unconditional love. Yeah, unconditional love.